It’s been a while…I know.

Periodically, I’ve opened up about my health journey, sharing its progression on this blog or on my Instagram feed. Today, instead of a routine update, I’m compelled to narrate a story that delves into the profound spiritual journey – my walk with God. This story goes beyond the latest developments of my health; it’s about how His amazing grace has guided me, revealing things I need to be conscious of, aspects of my life to improve upon, self-discoveries, and lessons about His ways. It’s a glimpse into how this newfound understanding not only aids my health journey but also enriches my life as a whole. It’s a walk that requires willingness, devotion, love, faith and a constant deep desire…Determination Turns into Desire. Jesus invited me on journeying with Him on the path He has longed to walk with me on…I just had to call upon Him and desire it. The various emotions he exposed in my heart and soul because of His presence in my life, is a tender relationship that I wish to take care of and grow stronger where nothing in this hard world can separate me from Him.

Looking back

In November 2016, I found myself facing another surgery, marking the fourth time I had to undergo the process of removing the growing cancer. This time was unlike any other. Overwhelmed by uncontrollable nervousness, fear, the thought of the surgeon having to reopen the 8-inch vertical scar to extract as much of the ovarian cancer as possible instantly evoked a sense of grief and deep anxiety. In the haunting thought that this might be the end, I experienced something truly extraordinary. In the midst of my worry, the Lord lovingly and mercifully revealed Himself to me in a way I had never encountered before. A way where I could feel His presence in different situations that were more visible to me. This was the beginning of the spiritual path he laid before me.

From my earliest memories of growing up, I thought I had a clear understanding of who God, Jesus, and Mother Mary are. Yet, reflecting on my childhood, I realize that my knowledge of them was no where near what I know of them now. I can recall during my teenaged years, numerous occasions when I engaged in prayer, often reserved for times of necessity. However, I distinctly remember having conversations with Jesus, predominantly consisting of questions and a genuine curiosity. I didn’t know it then but in this present day, my time would come when He would reveal himself to me, teaching me everything I need to know about myself and about Him at His “timing”. Oh, that word…timing… it can feel devastating at times because we live in a world of instant satisfaction and gratification. But that is not how it works with God. The Lord knew my future, He sees what I can’t and therefore, trusting in Him is essential for me. He knew when the timing would be right, when it will bring Him glory. When I learned that and trusted in it, my faith and belief continues to grow stronger. “God provides on time, in His time, every time.”

I once nurtured a close bond with the the Blessed Virgin Mother, but, for reasons I can’t quite recall, there came a point when I didn’t turn to her for a long time. However, that changed during a weekend retreat with our church Youth Group in what seemed to be the rural area of New Jersey. As a girl born and raised from the bustling borough of Brooklyn, I found myself thrust into the serene countryside, surrounded by lush green grass, the soothing sounds of crickets in the night, and an unusual tranquility quite distinct from the noise of New York’s busy streets. The youth group comprised both boys and girls. On the initial night of the retreat, our Priest at the time, designated separate sleeping areas for each gender: girls on one side of the hall, and boys on the opposite side. The nights were overseen by either the priest or a nun, sitting on a wooden chair in the center of the hall, serving as a vigilant presence between the girls and boys. HA! There wasn’t going to be any funny business at this retreat! One afternoon, we all gathered in a spacious room adorned with wooden paneling. A sizable window bathed the somewhat dim space in natural light. There were chairs arranged in a circle, inviting a sense of togetherness. I vividly recall the moment when the Father inquired if anyone had ceased praying to someone they used to. Each of us took turns revealing the person we had distanced ourselves from. When my turn arrived, I hesitated momentarily before confessing that I had stopped praying to Mother Mary. The Father encouraged us to take a contemplative walk outdoors, urging us to reconnect with the individuals we had ceased praying to.

I strolled with a friend, our conversation limited as it was supposed to be a quite, contemplative walk. It was a cool afternoon, sunlight filtering through the shaded, forest-like spaces. Along our path, statues of saints and the Virgin Mary welcomed us. Eventually, we came across an open field that evoked memories of the lush green spaces from the movie “The Sound of Music.” Seated on the top of the hill, my friend and I engaged in conversation. Then, an unforgettable moment unfolded. As I gazed up at the sky, right before my eyes, I witnessed the unmistakable silhouette of Mother Mary. I remember rubbing my eyes to see if I was seeing things. I recall shouting to my friend in disbelief, “Do you see what I see?!” “Yes”, my friend responded. I remember rising from my seated position, standing up, and approaching this extraordinary sight to confirm that I wasn’t experiencing a hallucination or some surreal illusion. This wasn’t a mere cloud formation; it was a distinct image, portraying her with outstretched hands, reminiscent of the depiction found on Christian medallions adorning a Rosary. Then all of a sudden the image of the Blessed Mother slowly faded away. Could this have been a couple of teenagers thinking they saw the Virgin Mother? Maybe. Had my friend not been present with me, I might have harbored doubts about what I witnessed. The aftermath of that moment remains a blur in my memory; as a young teenager, I lacked the understanding of its significance and the miraculous nature of the event. Reflecting on that unforgettable day, I recognize the profound impact. I find myself questioning, in this point of my life, during my current spiritual walk with God and Jesus, why would she have appeared to me during that relatively young (naive) age? Now, as a woman with growing greater wisdom, the mere thought of encountering her again would send shivers down my spine. I would instinctively drop to my knees, overwhelmed with a profound sense of reverence, and pray earnestly. I probably won’t ever know the significance of that moment but perhaps in ‘time’ it may be revealed to me. What I can say is somewhere in the year 2019, the desire to forge a connection through unwavering belief of the daily recitation of the rosary occurred. Since then, I have faithfully embraced this spiritual practice each day.

Walk with Me

“You will find me, if you seek me with all your heart” -Jeremiah 29:13

Weeks before my surgery, a co-worker/friend of mine, entered my office and handed me a book titled ‘Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence,’ a 365-Day Devotional by Sarah Young. She was hopeful that this book would help me during my upcoming surgery. I was thankful for her letting me borrow her book (she gifted me my own copy later on), I admittedly didn’t dive in and read it right away. I didn’t quite realize it then but looking back, I believe this was the start of when the Lord started to reveal himself to me and I was listening. It was during a time when I needed Him, I wanted Him to bring me closer, I wanted to understand His ways and so began my walk with Him. These daily devotionals helped me not to lose hope. Days leading to my surgery, I remember reading the Introduction and being moved by the author’s story. I would than turn to the date of the Devotional for that day. There was a day when I had to go in for pre-surgery testing. Here are a few excerpts from the book of devotions…

November 15, 2016
Approach problems with a light touch. When your mind moves toward a problem area, you tend to focus on that situation so intensely that you lose sight of Me. You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately. Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious. Unless you achieve total victory, you feel defeated.
There is a better way. When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to Me. Talk with Me about it and look at it in the light of My Presence. This puts some much-needed space between you and your concern, enabling you to see from My perspective.
You will always face trouble in this life. But more importantly, you will always have Me with you, helping you to handle whatever you encounter. Approach problems with a light touch by viewing them in My revealing Light.
“Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord. -PSALM 89:15
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -JOHN 16:33

Excerpts from the Sarah Young book of devotion on the day of my surgery…
November 18, 2016
COME TO ME, and rest in My Peace. My Face is shining upon you, in rays of Peace transcending understanding. Instead of trying to figure things out yourself, you can relax in the Presence of the One who knows everything. As you lean on Me in trusting dependence, you feel peaceful and complete. This is how I designed you to live: in close communion with Me.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. -PHILIPPIANS 46:6-7
“Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” -JOHN 7:38

The next few days after the surgery was exceptionally difficult for me to bear, as I encountered complications where additional procedures needed to be performed. There were days I would lay in the hospital bed with tears running down my face, the pain weighing heavily on me. In those moments, I engaged in silent conversations with God, offering heartfelt prayers. Drawing strength from the Lord, I became determined to recover. Supported by a walker, I, accompanied by my spouse with the portable IV stand, navigated the circular hospital halls every day for the next twenty three days. My goal was clear – to rebuild my strength, gradually increasing the number of laps I could walk around those corridors. I worked with a Physical Therapist everyday. Once I was released from the hospital, it took me approximately three months to recover and nine months to fully recover to my “new normal”, as my body was going through many changes and adjustments from the surgery and the procedures that followed. Was I able to do that on my own? No. As I look back, it was the countless instances where He carried me and accomplished what I, on my own, couldn’t achieve. That is how He answered my desperate prayers for strength, endurance, and gave me the will. He receives the honor and glory during all my trials.

My first diagnosis with ovarian cancer started back in 2006. The years that followed, I’ve had many recurrences, had to undergo chemo three times (the last was year 2020), along with radiation treatment, an ablation, failed clinical trials, and a liver resection, and in between that, a long line of various hormonal drugs to attempt to keep the disease controlled for as many months or years as it could. But cancer has a way of learning how to get around these drugs, and since there is no cure for cancer, the rotation of drugs begins.

Taking control

In September 2019, I found myself at a crossroad where I recognized the importance of taking proactive steps to address my health challenges. Motivated by a desire for self-healing, I embarked on a journey towards adopting a vegan lifestyle. Recognizing that estrogen is what is fueling the specific cancer I am dealing with, I made the decision to starve it by eliminating meat and dairy from my diet. Despite the fact that this approach didn’t yield the desired results, I persisted in maintaining a vegan lifestyle until recently, when I transitioned to a vegetarian lifestyle. I thought this was the direction God was leading me towards. It wasn’t until this year that He revealed to me that I was actively seeking control over my circumstances. I believed in a collaborative effort, trusting that while I sought divine assistance, I also needed to contribute by taking initiative and helping myself. Then He taught me about what it means to ‘Surrender to His will’.

“Speak, Lord, your servant is listening” – Samuel 3:10

Surrender

Two years after the 2016 surgery, the Lord has continued to bless me with his divine love by showing me how I can grow closer to Him. In 2020, as I navigated through cycles of chemotherapy, my spiritual journey deepened, shaping the subsequent years. Let me share with you one of my journal entries written on Oct 12, 2022…

I laid down and meditated on my body and scanned for what feels blocked or has tension. I placed my right hand on the left side of my pelvic area (where most of the disease is). I then placed my left hand on my heart and asked my body repeatedly – what do you need? What do you need? My mind visualized me sitting with Jesus and I hear the word… ‘Peace’. I responded to the gentle inner voice… I can’t eat or drink anything that will bring me peace. (remember, I was still trying to be in control of my health). I then heard these words – ‘Prayer will. Dedicate time with the Lord – read, write, reflect, learn and build.”

I felt compelled to delve further into my spiritual journey. I was led to start with reading the book of John. Thereafter, I reread the bible and started from the beginning. Upon re-reading the Bible, I noticed that the experience is as if I was reading it for the first time. It unveils new perspectives that resonate with fresh insights, revealing the stories through a renewed lens. I have a feeling, that was His plan.

One of the other things I did in dedicating time with the Lord is I initiated a practice of attending church at various days during the week in private prayer times, seeking tranquil, solitary moments that enable me to connect and engage in peaceful communion with Him. I make sure to start and end my day with the Lord in prayer and I recognize his presence during different parts of the day. Whenever, I experience something good in my day, I say “God is here” and give thanks. If I’m going through something difficult or challenging, I pray for his intervention and resolution.

Prayer: Dear Lord, I commit to learning something new about You and Your word. May I know you better in a year than I do today. Amen

One of the things I was introduced to in year 2023 was what it means to ‘Surrender’ and to reflect on it. The funny thing is while I understood what ‘surrender’ means, I think the Lord was trying to tell me that I didn’t fully comprehend it to its fullest and so it was during this year – this season of Lent, I was compelled to order a book I heard about titled ‘He Leadeth Me’ by Walter J Ciszek an extraordinary Testament of Faith.

It didn’t take me long to finish reading the pages of the powerful and profound story of Walter Ciszek. It was extremely tragic and heartbreaking, yet insightful and promising. It had me contemplate about my own situation. In one form or another, we all have a cross to carry in this life. The cross we bear is different for everyone. To surrender to the Lord’s will is to accept His will for you. It can me hard, it can feel scary and intimidating because we are unaware of what that exactly means for us. I think of it like this…when we were children, we relied on our parents to direct and guide us, to show us right from wrong. As a child, we didn’t (or at least I didn’t) question why. There was a trust. While we have grown up as adults now, I learned that we still need to have that child-like trust with God and surrender our own limited perspectives and recognize that His ways are higher and His thoughts are wiser than ours. 

As we read in the bible, many surrendered to God…it goes without saying Jesus lived a surrendered life. He is our best example of surrendering to God’s will. Some others include Abraham, Mother Mary, Joseph, and the Apostle Paul.

Prayer: Deliver me Jesus from the fear that by trusting, You will leave me more destitute. 

As Ciszek writes in his book – …”That the movements of God’s grace must always be accepted and understood in virtue of the life of faith, because ultimately the truth of every mysterious action of His grace is discerned in the light of faith rather than by the powers of reason or of intellect.”

Prayer: May I trust that you oh Lord, are orchestrating all things for my benefit in the best way possible.

Where do I go from here?

Always desire and pray that the will of God may be fulfilled in you perfectly.

A recent scan taken on March 28th, confirmed that the trial drug along with other medications I was taking, proved ineffective in shrinking or eliminating a majority of the cancer. Alternative forms of treatment have been proposed, and I am scheduled to discuss these options with a second opinion. The comforting feeling of surrendering and giving it to God to take care of everything, relieves me of constant worry or thinking about what my future will look like. Fear will try to destroy me and try to attempt to weaken my faith. Physical pain may also alert my mind to be concerned and think the worse. Reflecting on my life, the fear of death haunted me from as far back as memory serves me. Yet, in my journey with God, I’ve come to understand the transformative power of relinquishing fear and embracing His promises. Through consistent prayer and unwavering belief in His will, I’ve discovered that regardless of the outcome, the Lord remains in control. Carrying this disease for almost two decades and still alive to talk about it stands as a testament to God’s constant presence by my side. However, I refrain from adopting an overly optimistic outlook, recognizing that tomorrow is not promised. I continue to direct my focus towards God and I humbly seek His grace to navigate through any challenges I am facing.

I strive to embrace each day as it unfolds, and throughout this journey, God has bestowed upon me an abundance of beautiful and extraordinary moments filled with much joy, love and countless blessings. I’m ever so grateful to Him for this! I’m also thankful for the loving support of my family, friends, and to my spouse, who is my best friend, and who has never left my side, caring for me each step of the way – both emotionally and physically. In the course of this journey, the Lord has nurtured our faith and instilled in us a shared commitment to pray together.

“Looking back, I realize I was being led through these trials – to suffer these things, so that I might detach myself from the world and seek something higher than myself.”
-Jonathan Rumie – Actor from The Chosen

Rumie had asked this question: “How is Christ calling you to persevere through your own trials and battles?”

Have I learned it all? Absolutely not and I don’t think I ever will. Is my spiritual journey complete? No, I surely hope not. I am just at the beginning and with God’s help, his divine grace, and merciful love, I hope to be a better faithful servant to Him. Through this intimacy of our relationship, I am being transformed from the inside out. The Lord is showing me where He is cultivating new life within me. Suffering is to give thanks. Even amidst this long endurance of living with this disease, I express gratitude. I give thanks to the Lord for bringing this cross for me to bear so that I can develop a close relationship with Him. Over a decade ago, articulating this sentiment would have been incomprehensible to me. A transformative process had to unfold within me through my relationship with God. I’ve come to understand that sometimes God doesn’t remove problems, He makes a way through them. He will pave a path for me, fight my battles, and ensure my provision, but I must trust in His timing and surrender to the will of the Father. I am learning to trust that my circumstances is ultimately for the Glory of God and for His greater good. Through this, I hope to witness the blessings of eternal life, which surpass the temporal experiences on this Earth.

“I don’t understand it myself. Here is what I can tell you, I was one way and now I am completely different. And the thing that happened in between was Him”.

-Popular line from actress Elizabeth Tabish, playing Mary Magdalene from the show The Chosen